Not So Surreal Now!

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and it is a special one this year because of my sweet Avery. I talked to my grandparents tonight for the first time in a while. I didn't realize until Sterling told me, that I hadn't spoken to them since I went into the hospital with preclampsia. I couldn't believe it, but after thinking a little bit, I realized he was right. I have been in seclusion for so long now, that it has almost become my way of life. It got me to thinking about the journey I have been on the past almost 5 months now. The first 2 months of Avery's life, when she was in the Nicu, life for me was very surreal. Every day I would wake up and say to myself that I couldn't believe this was all happening. I did not want to talk to anyone at all. I did not want to have to explain everything that had happened and how I felt in that hospital or how terrified I was that my baby might die.....so instead I just talked to God. He was the only person who I could trust and depend on because I knew He was the only one who could help me.
I am a control freak....there's no denying it. Do I accept that as who I am? Not at all. One thing I have learned since fully surrendering my life to the Lord, is I don't want anyone in the drivers seat of my life except for my Lord. However, I struggle daily, and I mean daily, to keep from trying to take the wheel. God blessed my walk with Him during the 2 months Avery was in the Nicu. He helped me give up more control than I ever thought I could. There was absolutely nothing I could do to save her. Nothing I or even the best doctors and hospital could do to save her. God is the only one who could save her and I had to trust in His ultimate plan for her life, no matter what that might be. And now that she is out of the Nicu, I still have to trust God with the big & little things. I can't keep her inside forever. Just like my other 2, she will get sick. She will fall down. She will grow up. But it's the example she sees before her as she grows that is most important to me. I am so thankful God chose for her to live and come home to us...but her journey has just begun and with every journey comes a choice. A choice to give God the wheel or take over ourselves. As a mom, I have a choice while my 3 babies are in my care. A choice to control every detail of their lives to make me feel better and safer about their future, or the choice to give them to the one who has the greatest plan for their life..no matter what it brings..a journey far greater than my mind can conceive. I choose surrender. They have always belonged to Him. Happy Mother's Day!